AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Well, not really Pagan, but so many of us are owned by Cats.....

So this Southern Belle takes a trip to New York City and stays a week. When she comes back, all her friends gather around her in her bedroom and listen to her tell them about the trip.

"Well," she says, "did you all know, that up there in New York City, there are men that kiss other men?"

"Oh really?" gasp her remarkably sheltered friends.

"Oh yes," she says, "and they call them 'homosexuals'." Her friends all nod.

"And did you know," she says, "that up there in New York City, they have women who kiss other women?"

"Oh really?" gasp all of her unbelieveably sheltered friends.

"Yes, and they call those women 'lesbians'." Her friends all nod, wide-eyed and speechless.

"And did you know, that up there in New York City, there are men that put there tongues in a woman's private parts?"

"Oh really?" squeal her extremely sheltered and unexperienced friends.

"What do they call them?" they all ask in unison.

1. Thou shall not turn thy ex into a frog.
2. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
3. Thou shall not laugh at nekked snow sprites.
4. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.
5. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.
6. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood if thy are in times of burning.
7. Thou shall not question the word of thy High Priestess - She is God.
8. Thou shall not laugh at being nekked at coven.
9. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.
10. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind".
11. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.
12. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot".
13. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404 Not Found," which means the document requested couldn’t be located. "Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404."

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.�

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling�

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market�

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

1. MM = Merry Meet
2. Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons
3. Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related

4. Associations with the colors:
Red = South
Green = West
Dark Brown = North
Yellow = East
Orange = For the Solar God
Light Brown = For the Earth Mother

5. Rotate the M & M:
M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven
3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon
W = Witchcraft, Wiccan
E = Enlightenment

The ritual feast is puréed.
Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators
The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset
It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron
The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper
You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual

Added by Jilda on May 8th:

Q Why do witches ride naked on brooms?
A To get a better grip

Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
A: There's white-out on the floor

Q: Why do witches use Brooms?
A: Because nature abhors a vacuum.

Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven

Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry?
A: He goes Qua-ballistic.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.
"Ha! you are a fraud!", says the man, " I happen to be the father of 3 children!"
"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

1. It assures that your ex's (as in friends, lovers, enemies, clients, associates, etc) don't float too far astray. Great for stalkers, obsessive/possessive types, and clingers to the past. How else would we all stay connected despite our egotistical attempts to cut ties forever? Just a sweet celestial reminder that we are all in this glorious cesspool called life.

2. Potential to save money on your mobile bill. Why waste your minutes when everyone will mistranslate your every word anyway? (Not to mention the odds that your reception will utterly suck.)

3. You can finally clean out your closets and get rid of the useless crap that you purchased in grave error during the last MR.

4. If you have some issues with focus and finish, MR is a golden opportunity to pick up your myriad piles of unfinished projects and finally make a dent, and maybe even finish. However, it is not advisable to start any new projects unless you want to wait until the next MR to revamp the whole thing.

5. It's your cosmic license to rest, relax, read, re-group. You know, get off the treadmill of life for a few weeks. Who doesn't need a mental vacay now and then? Mercury knows what he's doing....that little smarty pants planet of practical jokes.

1. You think caffeine and cigarettes make a full meal.
2. You cast a circle that stays up for several days and covers 15 to 100 acres of land.
3. When at Closing ritual you are softly mumbling "Yes, it was great. Now everyone go home for six months."
4. When you really, really, really do try to get four hours of sleep once a day.
5. When a radio with an ear-piece is considered standard ritual attire.

1. When you use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.
2. When your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.
3. When your robe is made of camouflage material.
4. When your cakes & wine come from MRE's.
5. When your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques.
6. When your circle is marked by barb-wire.
7. When you have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.
8. When you use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol.
9. When you take down a tent to move the Covenstead.
10. When your familiar is either a Doberman, Rottweiler or German Shepherd.

Fun Facts

Approximately 1 billion Valentine's Day cards are sent each year.


In order of popularity, Valentine's Day cards are given to: teachers, children, mothers, wives, sweethearts, Koko the gorilla.



The expression "wearing your heart on your sleeve" comes from a Valentine's Day party tradition. Young women would write their names on slips of paper to be drawn by young men. A man would then wear a woman's name on his sleeve to claim her as his valentine.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.

To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.

The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.

I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT ??

Don't upset me!! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.....

Of course I don't look busy......I did it right the first time !!!!

All stressed out and no one to CHOKE......

I sleep with my Teddy Bear, I know where he's been

Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over ......

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Dateline Washington DC

The administration today, upon hearing of the murder of a fairy earlier this month in Central Florida, issued a bulletin stating that “This is obviously a terrorist attack aimed at driving a wedge between the United States and Faeriedom.” FBI and other sources will not yet confirm a connection between the alleged terrorists and Osama bin Laden.

An unknown source high within the Presidential administration has hinted that the murder was actually committed with WOMD as a test for biological warfare.

The one piece of evidence which the FBI were willing to discuss involves the word “Cider” which seems to have appeared 27 times in this particular case. Cider is the name of a small family-owned company in Malaysia which produces high-octane French apple wine for certain branches of Fairy royalty.

-Associated Pagan Press
Submitted by Taliesin Jones

Never missing an opportunity for ritual, family and friends gathered for viewing and a funereal procession for the now forensically reconstituted victim of yesterdays homotinkercide. Human pallbearers paraded the deceased through camp led by a directionally challenged Lynda Millard and followed by a straggle of mourners. Emotions are heightened in the community, ranging from grief to outright amusement. Reports of outrage, as well as random slinging of accusations continue to trickle in.

As the procession passed the site of the original crime, crudely lettered signs were found sporting traces of fairy blood proclaiming the guilt of the chief investigator Outcry ensued and Thom, the Fairy forensic specialist involved in the initial investigation, made the arrest. In an unusually consistent application of human law, The suspect banned himself from leaving the festival. A full BCS was proposed, but the new lead investigator said "Ain't no way" and settled on a search of tent and kilt. He was later released from handcuffs on his own recognizance – too soon according to certain unnamed women in the area. While some are relieved that the apparent perpetrators have been contained, others maintain that he’s simply having too much fun. The new suspects comment? “I’ve been framed.”

- Via Associated Pagan Press wire
by Taliesin Jones
With unprecedented boredom plaguing festival site staff, the pagan grapevine delivered totally inconclusive evidence and a plethora of supposition, allegation and even accusation overnight in the ongoing saga of the brutal slaying of a recently adopted Fairy. The deceased was found last night in final repose on the floor of the handicapped PortaPotty located on the main thoroughfare of the festival village.
Early this morning, a memorial consisting of three mushrooms was found in the PortaJohn. It is assumed to be a memorial shrine.
Confessions abounded as investigators became privy to a far-reaching conspiracy, allegedly planned via Internet, telephone and not-so-clandestine meetings in the months following PhoenixPhyre 2003. The investigation can now inconclusively prove foreknowledge of both facilities and events.

- via Associated Pagan Press wire
By Taliesin Jones

It was a not so dark or stormy night. Gradually, a scream rang out.
Following in the footsteps of recent mundane escalations of tension between the fairy kingdom and its human counterparts, a heinous crime was accidentally discovered by Zephyr, Hearthkeeper at the recent Phoenix Festivals Gathering near Land ‘O Lakes, Florida. Revelation followed on the heels of the widely heralded performance by Emerald Rose, at which this reporter was fortune to be in attendance.

Safe Witch Kit
Want to be a Witch, yet don't want dangerous items in your home? We've
assembled this comprehensive kit to meet the beginning Witch's needs, without
compromising safety.

1. You must learn to say the city name correctly. It is usually referred to as "Jax."
2. You must be a Jaguar fan. It is a requirement for citizenship. Also, you are either a Gator or a Nole. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later.
3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms.
4. To find anything in Jax it is required that you know where Regency Square is. It is the Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end.

Roger Tory Pentacle "RTP@birds.org"
[please circulate freely]

Gerald Gardner's Witchcraft has undergone many changes due to its emergence as the favored "alternative religion." As with any religion that becomes popular, people start adapting it to suit their own requirements, purposes, and agendas. This leads to the formation of many offshoots or, if you will, denominations. Most of those who follow the core values of Gardnerian Witchcraft either delineate their path by using its name (e.g. Gardnerian, Alexandrian, British Traditional) or have dropped the Wiccan label altogether. For those interested in observing the Wiccan religion, this still leaves a huge number of Wiccans to sort through and classify. To assist you, I have created this field guide to the major classes of Wiccans one is liable to run into in the course of observation. Please note that these are high level delineations and that Wiccans can belong to several classes and often drift from class to class. There are also many other classes that are not prolific at this time that have been left out of this guide. As these classes become more prevalent, they will be added. Please enjoy this first edition of "The Field Guide to Wiccans." I hope it assists you in your studies.
- Roger Tory Pentacle

Man said, "Goddess, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And the Goddess said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever, who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be at times, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the Overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

by James Finn Garner

Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op
Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up.

The children all nestled all snug in the their beds,
Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.

We'd welcomed the winter that day after school
By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,

A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet
Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,

* Aries: I don't brake for anyone, so get out of my way!

* Taurus: I'd rather be braking.

* Gemini: I brake to change the radio station while talking on my cell phone.

* Cancer: I brake for yard sales and open houses.

* Leo: Hey! Give me a brake!

* Virgo: I brake to check and see if my brakes are working.

You Might be Pagan If...
1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire. . .
2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying. . .
3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?" . . .
4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it. . .
5. You have an entire spice cabinet. . . and you don't cook. . .
6. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing. . .

ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20) Aggressive is one word for it, but domineering, overbearing and arrogant are other words that can describe Aries the Ram. Aries are about a subtle as a falling anvil and will think nothing of bellowing their opinions like mantras. Aries’ idea of parity is when they get 99% of the spoils. In war, they are not only vicious fighters, they are also the profiteers and opportunists. Those born under the sign of Aries include: Pat Robertson (March 22), Lucrezia Borgia (April 19), Adolph Hitler (April 20).

TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21) Astrology books say they are persevering but that’s just another word for too darn stubborn. Taureans are slow to catch on, conservative to the point of reactionary and appallingly gluttonous. There’s no stopping them once they’ve made their mind made up. Unfortunately, it takes them so long to make up their mind, the opportunity is often stale news. Those born under the sign of Taurus include: Lenin (April 22), Saddam Hussein (April 28), Eva Peron (May 7), Jim Jones (May 13).

WWAD? Artemis Turn him into a stag to be ripped to shreds by his own barking
hounds.
WWAD? Athena Stare him down, then beat the crap out of him — in a most logical
manner.
WWAD? Apollo Test their musical skills — in a fair contest.
WWAD? Aphrodite Don't you mean "who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? Astarte Make love AND war.
WWBD? Bacchus Get them drunk, then turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? Britannia Rule!
WWBD? Buddha Does it matter? If you're enlightened, it doesn't. If you're not
enlightened, it still doesn't.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. Get the Hell away from there!!!
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Not funny.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who
speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

You call your corners on a cellular phone .
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard .
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa .
You use a remote control in place of an athame .
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room .
Your familiar is a mouse .
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer .

Bright-Eyed Novice- You just read this cool book about a religion where there is a *Goddess* and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
Grand Old Wo/Man- Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people you've only read about.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb?
21, unless you're Irish.